Enabling Parent: Confront yourself, not your child's teacher

Have you ever wrongly blamed someone for something you didn't know you did? I think we've all been there. It's not a pleasant situation to find yourself in for sure, because crow tastes awful. I remember once blaming a college roommate for throwing away a midterm paper I had spent hours writing. I became flustered and angry and said some regrettable things to him. After rewriting my assignment, I headed to the printing lab, where I had left my first report lying at the printing table. Open mouth, insert crow.

Fastforward 18 years. I am now an educator, and our school just finished up our first-quarter Parent-Teacher Conference. I dread the Parent-Teacher Conference. My fellow teachers also dread them. Why? 

In one word.... Parents. 

Today's parents (for the most part) are enablers. The enabling trend has worsened over the years with the ever-increasing influence of technology and the digital age (the connection is worthy of its own blog). Over the last 15 years, I have seen this enablement swell to the point where students are not held accountable at home for simple tasks. Then at school, when teachers and administrators have higher expectations for dear Johnny and Suzy, parental fury rears its ugly head.

Doing things for their children may be the biggest problem with today's enabling parent. We do so much for them that they can't seem to manage to do things on their own. How tragic that most parents find themselves here. They cater so much to their child's "needs" (code word for lack of discipline) that the child grows to expect more and more with every passing day. So when a child fails, he sees it as no fault of his own, but rather his parents. The parents, not wanting to accept the blame, find a scapegoat. Enter school and teacher. When parents don't know how to handle the increased workload-- a workload which should be expected-- of their students as they age, they make a beeline to the teacher.

The teacher is confronted, his methods are called into question, and he is ultimately blamed for the student's deficiencies, which originated and were acquired through the enabling of the child at home. Maybe parents blame the subject matter with, "It's just too hard." Perhaps they even go to the extent of blaming their child's performance on a "disability." (Commence Rabbit Trail) Some have even gone to the extent of self-diagnosing a disorder or sought a doctor's diagnosis to do the same. Yes, it happens. We have witnessed it over and over. Children who simply lack discipline and are unable to be controlled at home are slapped with labels (i.e. ADD, ADHD, Autistic, high-functioning, low-functioning, etc), because -- let's face it-- labels assume the blame we as parents are unwilling to accept ourselves... not to mention, the labels we place on our children draw attention to us as parents, which is vanity in its most base form. Think about it. We like the attention when we stand upon the platform that is our child's "disability." It's so shameful because we draw the rightful attention from those children who truly suffer from real disabilities. It also is dangerous to use labels because they create preconceived ideas about those indivduals. They are treated differently. Some children will take advantage of this and seek special treatment or not try as hard when faced with new or challenging circumstances, because the label gives them an "out." (End of Rabbit Trail)

We have high expectations for our students at our school. We expect our junior high and senior high students to be able to pay attention in class, to take notes without having to be told, and to write down their assignments themselves (Sorry, Dad and Mom, your kid shouldn't need his teacher to do these things for him after the 5th grade). We expect them to develop independent study skills. We expect them to complete assignments on time. We expect more effort than cramming and last-second scrambling to finish projects.  We expect their best effort! Our expectations do not change based on the labels you have given your child. In short, we expect your child to pull his own weight.

...grades are earned. Grades are the currencies paid to the student (and their parents) for the effort and diligence placed on the tasks leading up to that payout. 

It should be noted that grades are earned. Grades are the currencies paid to the student (and their parents) for the effort and diligence placed on the tasks leading up to that payout. Notice, I included the parent as a co-earner of the grade. If the student receives a good grade, then that is reflective of parental oversight and prodding. Conversely, poor grades are reflective of a lack of the same.

My own kids are no exception. I am grateful for three wonderful kids that desire to do their best in everything, including school work. In our home, we preach Ecclesiasties 9:10, "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might..." Our kids know that it if something is asked or expected of them, they should strive to do it well. Sometimes, that means my wife and I will need to do more on our end. And the struggle is real. It's hard to make the time, especially as they grow into more difficult subject matter. We have had to sacrifice more of ourselves than ever. If they ask us to study with them, we do. When they have projects coming up, we work with them to see they are staying on task. Never... and I mean never... do we ever allow them to procrastinate. As a parent, we are not to do their work for them, but we are to oversee it to make sure it is done to the best of that child's ability. But so many will just expect their children to be good students all on their own without guidance ("A child left to himself will bring his mother to shame."), or they will expect all the guidance to come from the teacher. But, in reality, that job falls on us parents. We are to train our children and guide them until they have the abilty to handle independent responsibilties on their own. If a child is not responsible, then we, not the teacher, have failed to make him so. It. Takes. Work.

Parent, do yourself a favor. Don't make a fool of yourself. Don't strut into the classroom and confront a teacher because you have failed at home. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place to conference with your child's teacher to address your concerns. But these conversations should never be done with caustic rhetoric and blaming. Nor should your child or another parent be present. This will only instill your hostility in them and the teacher will feel "ganged up on." Voice your concerns pleasantly and respectfully. But before you walk over the classroom threshold, be sure to examine yourself. It's likely you've been enabling your child at home, and his teacher doesn't deserve to take the blame for your shortcomings.